Don’t get hostile, it’s just a fact. I’m telling you how it is. I don’t make the rules -- I’m just low-level muscle in the Korean Mafia. I’m not even Korean, actually. But they don’t know that, ‘cuz we never met in person. It’s like that cartoon, “Nobody knows we’re dogs on the Internet.”

Anyways, it’s a tough beat for a thug like me to work his way up through the ranks. Someday I hope to have a machete of my own and keys to my own DaeWoo, but in the meantime, I’m just a runner. I log into online roleplaying games, pick up rare items from our contacts, put them up for sale on eBay, then deliver them to the buyers so that the bigwigs back in Seoul don’t have to get their hands dirty. You won’t believe what people will pay for online lewt. The Korean Mafia keeps the profits, then launders them by spending it all through online casinos. By the way, you can be killed for knowing all this.

Anyways, today I was supposed to make my biggest pick up of all time. One of our best contacts, who apparently works at a company that does this for a living, had a huge haul for us. I logged into the game at the appointed time, and sailed a junk into the harbor. I walked up the cold barren hillside to our appointed meeting place, but my contact was nowhere to be seen.

Instead I found a scene of horrific carnage. It looked like an online wedding had exploded. Severed limbs littered the ground muddled with white streamers. As I took in this gruesome spectacle, a man in tattered robes leapt out from a nearby dungeon entrance and dragged me inside. It was my contact, but he looked like a wreck!

“What happened to you!?” I private messaged. “Do you have the l3wt?”

“No, the accursed lewt is no longer in my possession,” he hissed back.

I boggled. “But ... but ... to take ALL of it someone would’ve had to have killed you 36 times in 24 hours!”

“Silence! Shut up, SHUT UP!” he boomed, no longer private messaging. “I’m aware of the nature of the maliciousness that’s been perpetrated against my online avatar. And believe me, only one man is capable of organizing such audacious savagery, a man I had smote once already when he applied for a job alongside of mine own. In his contemptible self-assurance, he no doubt feels the flush tinglings of victory. BUT! He assumes that I had not made preparations for just such an eventuality. THE DIVINE SERVER ADMINSTATOR SUFFERS NOT THE NUISANCES OF LOWLY WINDOWS USERS!”

I shifted back and forth nervously. I realize I was supposed to be muscle, but the truth is that I’m a sixteen year old using my parents’ broadband connection. I wouldn’t hurt a fly. “But ... but sir!” I typed, deferentially. “What about ... the stuff? The lewt?”

“It has no further relevance to me. Material gain has been superceded by a higher purpose.”

“But ... they’re gonna come after us!” I stammered. “They’ll find us! They’ll tear our balls off! They’ll tear our heads off! ...And then they’ll kill us!”

The wizard appeared unconcerned. “I don’t know about you,” he typed. “But I make it a policy never to engage in dealings with organized crime without using an untraceable player account. This character here, for instance, is expendable: it’s being routed through a firewalled offshore server facility located just beyond the Dominican Republic. The email address is that of a hacked account belonging to a Russian middle school teacher. Both will be deleted moments after I disconnect. Good luck with your superiors, little man. I have vengeance to serve in their steed.”

With an audible puff, the wizard disconnected.

I spun around in a circle, helplessly. I suspected I was gonna get blamed for the whole thing. In desperation I looked around at the cratered bloodbath that remained of the destroyed online wedding party. Maybe the Mafia wouldn’t notice so long as I showed up with ... stuff. Unfortunately all the good stuff had been looted leaving only worthless junk behind. A rusty sword, a cracked bow, worn leather sandals... No matter, I shoved it all into a sack.

Before I walked down the hill, my decision was made: I was going to sell the worthless stuff on eBay. But there was only one way to get more than it was worth. My path was clear: I was going to have to hire a Professional eBay Fictionalizationizer to make stuff up about the weapons I had. God willing, the Koreans will never find out the truth...