What’s an eBay Fictionalizationizer, you ask? Simple, friend. Ask yourself this: How would I like to make two, or even THREE times the value off of the garage-sale-rejected junk I sell on eBay? The answer lies in the cunning art of the half-truth.

For just 15% of the final purchase price, I’ll make up a completely bogus history for the item you want to sell. Remember, I don’t get paid unless YOU get paid. It’s a win-win situation. For example, check out this Haunted Cookie Tin. That would be my handiwork. The seller wanted to sell this relatively worthless cookie tin, but I was thinking, “how much more would it be worth if we threw in a spooky dead baby?”

I am a master craftsman.

Most of the time I find myself writing description paragraphs of old antiques, where I fudge some sort of exciting backstory involving a camel race across the desert or some kind of museum robbery. Often items were nearly destroyed by “errant roman catapults” or something. I work tirelessly to ensure people pay you at least double the worth of any item you sell.

Now, my most difficult challenge came yesterday, when a fellow told me he wanted to sell his Ultima Online character. I really racked my brains for that one. His account was three years old, so I could hardly attach any great historical significance to it. Finally, it came to me: This was the first and only online character ever blessed by the Pope. I claimed that the owner, wheelchair-bound since the Korean War, was unable to leave the Veteran’s Hospital for the Pope’s visit to the states. Seeing that the man was crushed, the hospital chaplain spoke to the local Cardinal and a hasty online visit was arranged. A laptop was brought before his excellency, who logged in as a new character and met the man at his in-game sandstone villa (also for sale). He blessed the man -- and the character, and the villa -- and to everyone’s astonishment the statue of Jaana contained within began WEEPING! Players report that dropping items of value near this house will give them extremely good luck and fortune. The owner has since passed away, leaving his caretakers no choice but to auction off this miracle character and holy home at a fraction of its worth. BID NOW! PAYDAR ACCEPTED!

The sixteen year old I wrote it for is really excited.