Online weddings, online schmeddings. Like I’m supposed to get all hopped up about the marriage of “Lady Gloria Perfectteeth.”
You heard me. People are stupid, the stupidest ones get on the Internet, and the people that those people make fun of are the ones who get married online. Take my roommate, for instance. Today he was gonna get married in his favorite online RPG. But then his best man, some stupid elf, got detained. I dunno the whole story. Apparently he was planting flowers and some guy shot him in the butt with an air rifle.
I would’ve paid to see that.
So my roommate asks me to be the best man at the online wedding, since I was right there and since I’ve been too lazy to cancel my player account. I played that game and couldn’t get past level ten because I realized the faint albeit delicious possibility that there was more to life than left-clicking on mice and bunnies. But what could I say? My roommate’s online wedding was the closest thing he had to a social life, besides the nights he plays Mortal Kombat with that button masher guy upstairs.
So because of that stupid missing elf, there I was, standing up at an altar near one of the dungeons, wearing my nicest armor and holding the ring (a +5 ring of defense). “We are gathered here about Mt. Frostmore for a solemn and dutious occasion...” typed the officiate, some level 50 Lord of some sort.
“Let’s move this along,” I typed. “Me and the guys in hall 4B are duplicating every game of the NFL playoffs in Madden.” Everyone shushed me.
Then it came time for me to hand over the ring, but I almost couldn’t find it in my inventory because everyone had been handing me bags of rice earlier. “Have a ring, smacktard!” I typed -- I meant it as a private message, but I accidentally said it aloud.
So he hands the ring to his woman, and I take a good look at her. Her name is “Lady Gloria Perfectteeth.” Yah, that’s ... that’s great. But then I remember Chuck from downstairs talking about his character at lunch the other day ... I’m thinking, “No way.” But I right click on his character and call up the profile, and sure enough her email address is from the school here. It was Chuck!
My roommate was marrying another dude!
“By the powers vested in me by the great council of Dornsmoth and the Kingfisher’s Guild...” the official said. I jumped up and landed in front of him.
“The Bride’s a MAN, MAN! Don’t do it! You’re throwing your life away!” I typed. Swords were drawn; there was pandemonium across the courtyard.
Suddenly, into this mess, a ragged character in dark wizard robes limped into the center aisle, bleeding profusely. “Halp, HALP,” he typed, staggering from one Knight to the next. “They’re after me! I don’t know who, but a whole mob of players are trying to kill me 36 times in 24 hours!”
And then they came: a group of three archmages on horseback and a couple of barbarians who hopped off a cart trailing behind. “They found me!” wailed the wizard, just before the first volley of lightning struck. Pews were thrown across the courtyard; Six or seven guests were flung into the wedding cake before they expired. It served them all right for wearing nice clothes instead of armor to the wedding!
Swords and maces and bows were drawn. I had no weapons handy, so I lunged forward and clubbed the Padre on the head with a bag of rice. “Run for it!” I cried to my roommate. “It’s your last chance!”
Then the fireball hit, casting limbs into the air where they splattered all over the white decorative streamers. I was nearly blinded by the flash, and narrowly missed being decapitated by the swinging arc of a barbarian claymore. I crouched under the gifts table (which was rapidly being looted) shortly before the summoned meteors turned a half dozen other guests into a red paste. A helmet clattered across the cobblestones in front of me, a severed head still within. I don't know why I did it -- maybe I was overcome with bloodlust. But at this point I burst out from under the table and beaned the dark wizard with a bag of rice. It did one hit point of damage and dropped the guy to the ground, dead.
“We did it!” his pursuers typed, as the wedding decorations smoldered around us all and the guests that survived moaned for clerics. “We killed him 36 times in 24 hours!” They hopped up and down excitedly amidst the carnage... and then gave the survivors all the lewt.
“I take back everything I ever said,” I told my roommate, turning away from my monitor to face him. “Online weddings are the coolest thing EVER.”
Then Chuck came upstairs and burst into our room, weeping. "You ruined my LIFE!" he wailed.
He was wearing a wedding veil!
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