To truly master Tekken 4, one must learn to bend like the autumn leaf. Like that’s ever gonna happen.

Yes, my son. Tekken 4 is not to be entered into lightly or frivolously. One must enter into onscreen combat only after all other alternatives are exhausted. And when one fights, it is with neither conviction nor fury -- one remains calm and simply opens oneself to the ephemeral “it” of combat, bending like a reed in the ...

Oh, who am I kidding? I just mash buttons. I’m a button masher. Don’t be fooled by the outfit or the Zen jibber-jabber, I don’t know what any of it means and just use it to intimidate. So far as I know, you can’t lose if buttons are being pressed, so I press them. All of them. As quickly as I can, and in varying combinations.

I don’t even know what the different buttons do. I know that some of them kick, and some of them punch. Well, look here: I figure, a kick or a punch is never a bad thing. So I just toss ‘em out there as fast as my thumb can dish it out.

I also like to pretend I’m drawing swirly patterns with the control stick.

Bust mostly, I just mash buttons. Mash, mash, mash. That’s my advice: mash buttons. Mash ‘em like potatoes. Hmm -- that sounds pretty Zen, doesn’t it? Here, hit the gong for me. Thanks.

Victim Pic Small

It's like whack-a-mole. But with buttons. Would Confucius say that? I think he would. You know. If he played Tekken.

Score: 7.61; Total Votes: 2183 as of 2009-12-09.

With my professional gaming career on the rocks, I opted to become a color commentator

My TiVo thinks I’m Japanese.

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