I guess I’m what you would call an online scavenger. I don’t really “play” online roleplaying games so much as I collect stuff that falls into my lap. It’s easier that way. None of this “killing monsters” or “cooperating with people” or “developing my character” crap. I’m like a rat. A digital rat.

Example: I can sniff out an online wedding a mile away. I see people with white streamers walking around without armor, and I’m like a dog at the dinner table. I would follow ‘em for miles.

For instance, look at what happened last night. Way up by Mt. Frostmore I stumbled on this online wedding that was all in confusion because the Best-Elf was detained. This, dear reader, was an opportunity!

I walked up to a trustworthy-looking knight. “Where do we put out gifts for the lucky couple?” I typed to him. He pointed over to an ornate table someone had placed near a dungeon entrance. I strolled over, dropped a worthless newbie sword on the table, and casually slipped a +5 jewel-encrusted Firebrand into my inventory. Score!

I stood behind the table for a couple more minutes, waiting until more guests arrived. “Gifts!” I started to type. “Gifts for the bride and groom, over here!” People walked over and gave me their valuable stuff, and I typed “Bless you sir, thank you sir...” After I scored each item and tucked it in my inventory I would drop a similar-looking but worthless object on the table.

During the ceremony I stood quietly by, figuring that I’d slip away while everyone was paying attention to the rings. But this was no ordinary wedding. The substitute Best Man jumped in front of the priest and typed in all caps, “The Bride’s a MAN, MAN!” But, before pandemonium could break out, pandemonium broke out when this scraggly wizard busted onto the scene, being chased by a half-dozen playerkillers. Before I could blink, the bridesmaids were toast and six rows of pews were obliterated in a hail of magical fire.

This, my friend, was a LEWT OPPORTUNITY.

Trying to look as small as possible, I skirted around the scene of the battle and began looting bodies. With no small amount of pride I noticed a bunch of guests rush to the gift table to grab the stuff -- all of it was worthless by then, of course. The real goods were in my backpack. I grabbed a +3 mithril helmet that rolled across the cobblestones, shook the severed head out of it, and tossed it in my sack. Then, the Best Man clubbed the ragged wizard to death with a bag of rice.

Allow me to state, for the record, that this was the best online wedding ever.

Anyways, I managed to grab this weapon from the dead wizard’s pile of stuff. Most powerful sword I ever scavenged. Look at this! Unreal. Now, the player who had it before me stamped an engraving on it, but so far as I could tell, it was just a bunch of gibberish characters.

Naturally this morning I celebrated my haul in the local tavern overlooking the Salten sea. “Look at this guys,” I typed to all the drunken dwarves and clamoring Bards. “Someone engraved this symbol on the sword: |<|^|^|. What’s it mean?”

Suddenly, the noise stopped. Flagons crashed to the ground. Somebody gasped. At least half the patrons logged out immediately.

“That lewt belongs to the Korean Mafia,” a one-eyed Bard in the corner typed. “You’d best just bury it in a hole and stay offline for a couple months. Nobody takes these games as seriously as the Koreans.”

“When they find out...” shuddered a dwarf who was hiding under a table. Suddenly, he logged out with a puff of smoke.

This awkward moment was broken by the sounds of footsteps outside. I little second-level character, running up from the docks, busted in through the door. “The Koreans are coming! The Koreans are coming!” he shouted. I rushed to the window and sure enough down below I could see the pointed sails of their junks creeping up along the shore. I turned around to comment on this series of events to my fellow bar patrons, but the room was empty. The tavern door swung in the breeze and several of them could be seen running frantically down the valley away from the shore.

Well, no worries. I’m sure the Koreans will accept that I found this lewt fair and square.