This Week's Winner: Overclocked Appliance Guy

Hello again, low-bandwidth.

Many of you were apparently pleased by my recent white paper on attempts to Overclock My Own DNA in order to achieve better frag counts at Unreal Tournament or Counter-Strike. Your support of my work has not gone unnoticed! As you can see by my frantic, unnecessarily complex gesticulation, I've been overclocked for over a week now and I love it! You can never get too many frames per second. Note that as I move across the room, to your underpowered eyes with their slow refresh rate I appear to jerk and stumble spasmodically -- but from my own perception every move I make is smooth as silk as well as an intense sexual turn-on!

That's not to say that my performance in multiplayer action games is to be ignored. I can finish a ten minute Quake deathmatch in 2.26 minutes, every time. I am also capable of urinating a distance of over 448 meters.

But with my newfound powers comes also a growing sense of isolation. What good, I ask you, are my super-human abilities and perceptions without another creature to share them with? Recently I tried to overclock my pet puppy and he was sadly killed while eating the tires off of a moving bus. Thus began my search for human companionship -- and that's when I found her.

Night after night I began to take note of her in the computer labs. She sat there, motionless, playing Capture the Flag with the steely eyed gaze of a woman with a purpose. What does she major in? How does she sustain herself? How long had she sat, defending her own base, showing no interest in the base of the enemy? From across the room I stared at her for five hours last night (it only took me two.) I was in love.

But this morning I approached her and suggested that she and I go up to my place where I can strap her to a table and overclock her. Her reaction, surprisingly, was one of terror and disgust. Sure, I am half her age, but I will easily be double that in a quarter of the time. There must be a way!

Meanwhile, I'm going to overclock Baldur's Gate II to see if I can get a level 77 mage.

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The course of true love never did run sweet. Did I mention I read the complete works of Shakespeare in 22 minutes? I use amphetamines to slow myself down. Lucky for me I am liquid cooled!

Score: 8.2; Total Votes: 1543 as of 2009-12-09.

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