It started during the Summer of '98, just after I completed fifth grade two years early. I managed to get a full 2.2% performance increase in Warcraft II by overclocking my Pentium 90. And those bitches felt the heat!

Pretty soon I started overclocking anything I could. First I overclocked my pencil sharpener. I hooked that s.o.b. up to a car battery and it shreadded a plastic Bic pen in under a minute. Then I overclocked my clock, now it gets three radio stations at once and completes five whole days in one single 11-hour period.

Ever wonder about my mom's eyepatch? I overclocked her hairdryer.

When I announced to the university that for my Freshman year project I was going to overclock my DNA -- the very machinery of my being -- they laughed at me! They ... laughed ... at me! They assumed the child prodigy had finally gone off the overclocked deep end. But within weeks I'd already strapped my overclocked Athlon 900MHz via an overclocked gigawatt transformer to an overclocked colander attached to my head via industrial superconductor cabling of my own design.

Now I'm capable of over 360 seperate erections a minute. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, University of Iowa? Also, my overclocked refrigerator can freeze a human solid in under 14 minutes.