If you know the right places to look, you can still find online services where you can buy and sell EverQuest characters. Yeah, yah, I know it's against the end-user license agreement, but c'mon, do I look like the kind of guy who has two years to dedicate to the game? No, I just wanted a high-level character, quick and easy.

After shopping around I found a tempting offer for a level 43 barbarian. The price was right, but the ad was a little funny. Under "Price" it listed the following: "$75 U.S. Dollars + One Unimpeded Shot to the Nards. Hard." There were no shipping costs, since the ad requested that both the game character and the shot to the nards would be delivered in person.

Well, hey, a prudent shopper can see what a deal that was. It's not like he was asking for a human baby. So, I bid on the auction and won. We talked on the phone and arranged a time for delivery. I didn't think it would be that bad -- anyone who spends so much time in front of the PC to build up an EQ character couldn't be all that buff, right?

Yesterday was the big day. The seller drove up in a growling rusted Pontiac GTO that rumbled angrily to a halt in front of my mailbox. Two guys got out, both of which were easily the size of mobile homes. They wore leather, chains, and dark glasses. In a meaty gloved hand the one guy carried a boxed copy of EverQuest as well as print-outs of all his character registration information and passwords.

Before I could really think it through, I found myself handing him the check. I mean, it was a level 43 character. You got to make sacrifices to get a character that good, right? Then the seller cracked his knuckles, planted his feet, and took in a deep growling breath like a sumo wrestler. Veins popped out on either side of his grizzled face.

His foot hit my crotch like a jackhammer. I swear to God I was actually lifted up from the ground. I hit the grass, crumpling back to the earth like a ragdoll, the pain so intense that the sky above me had become a dark purple blur. The guy I bought the barbarian from dropped the character to the ground next to me and turned to leave.

As he walked off, I heard him say to his buddy: "Man, you're right. That was worth six months and a marriage."