Why yes, look at this spam mail I've gotten honey. Isn't that exciting? NO! -- not the one about 500% more sperm. That would qualify me as a lethal weapon. No no, this service called "Letters from Santa." See, you type in the text you want, and they'll send our child an actual printed letter with an authentic North Pole postmark. How clever! Let's compose something right now, shall we?

"Dear Kip, you've been an especially good boy this year, unlike last year when you started a riot at the local mall. Santa likes good boys!

Because Santa likes you very much, and because it's astonishingly cheap nowadays, you're going to get a shiny new GameCube. Also, you can have either Kirby's Air Ride or Disney's Skate Adventure -- just let your parents know what you want! Ho ho ho! I'm really Santa, for real.

Love, Mom and Dad Santa."

Oh that's rich! Our little angel will be extremely pleased.

FAT MAN:
YOU BEST BE STEPPIN' OFF THE KIRBY, FOO.
Listen up holmes, here's how its gonna go down. I don't know what you been smokin' when you wrote me that last letter, but my Christmas list don't include no Kirby. When I saw you at the mall I tol' you to hook me up with True Crime: Streets of LA and the Grand Theft Auto Double-Pack. What's this noise about Disney Skate? Dog. Don't make me come up there. You'll find a reindeer head in your bed. I'll find a sled and do me up a drive-by, come New Years if I'm sittin' on Kirby. If you and me want to keep it real, you best be forkin' over the M-rated merch 'cuz I can't be buyin' it at the store. Word is bond. -Kip