In PlanetSide, I've perfected a new type of class. "Support Slacker."

A lot of people take PlanetSide pretty seriously. As a massively multiplayer first-person shooter with three big factions, I admit, you do get to be pretty attached to your team. And within every team, you need people in specialized roles. That's me. I'm a specialist.

And I've developed a new position. I call it, "The Support Slacker." Recently I've graduated to "Heavy Support Slacker," which appears on the surface to be even more useful. More on that in a second.

Here's how it works. You jump onto a server and announce that you need a squad. All you have to do is hang out at the sanctuary for a little bit -- and believe me, I'm really good at hanging out -- and soon enough you'll be invited to join.

Anyways, your goal as a Support Slacker is to give your team the self-confidence it needs in order to take over bases and give you mad experience. I'll drive up in a dune buggy, freewheeling outside the enemy base, while my guys storm inside. Then I get up in the rocket turret and chill for a while. Sometimes I reach into the mini-fridge next to my PC and grab a pudding cup. The whole time I just watch the experience roll in.

I've never fired a single shot.

As a Heavy Support Slacker, I'm even more imposing. I earned the license to drive those big tank things. I'll rumble up to a squad in the tank and I'll say, "Heavy tank, ready for action!" Who doesn't want one of those in their squad? Last night I drove from enemy base to enemy base in a tank for three hours while my guys earned me experience. I cheered them on by typing pep talk into the squad chat in-between dipping the Oreos I was eating into a glass of milk.

I'm a veteran of hundreds of battles, with tons of experience. On more than one occasion, I think I even saw an enemy troop -- although he was so far away, I might have been mistaken. Nonetheless, I've created a special insignia patch for myself and others of my ilk to wear with pride. It's a bright red circle with a picture of a sponge inside.

Slack on, you crazy child.

Victim Pic Small

If you'll excuse me, we're about to launch a massive assault on the Searhus continent. So I plan to take a little nap.

Score: 8.54; Total Votes: 2852 as of 2009-12-09.

We've got a lock on "The One." He's running through the post office level banging on the "x" button repeatedly.

The physics from my recent auto accident weren't at all realistic.

Back To Index

Links to This Article

Links In This Article