Take your “Lembas Wafers,” for instance. Hard pieces of biscuit used for traveling? Sure, that may have been great “back in the day,” but I hate the stuff. Now those Keebler guys, though, they make a mean cookie.

And how about this “living magic” we’re supposed to always be playing with. Hello! It’s the 2000s, already. Most of us tinker with synthesizers and program our PCs. It’s also hard to find mithril nowadays; I prefer the polo shirt. Swank.

In ages long past it’s true that the Elves went across the sea to the West, to create an immortal paradise. Fact is, we landed in New Jersey. Look at the place now. Sometimes, it sucks to live forever.

Nowadays I just spend all day playing EverQuest with the guys. Mock me if you will, but it’s a hard, hard life. Let’s take today, for example. I was supposed to be Best Man -- er, Best Elf -- at an online wedding. But while walking to the bus stop I noticed that the house on the corner had an elvish symbol carved carefully into the door. It was the ancient Elvish symbol for vengeance. I had no choice -- the call of the elders can’t be ignored, even if it meant being late for the online wedding.

WHAT IS THAT GUY WITH THE FAKE PLASTIC EARS DOING TO MY YARD!?
I’d prefer to be in bed enjoying my hangover, but instead I woke up this morning to find some skinny guy standing outside my door wearing Spock ears and dousing my lawn with a garden hose. Then he covered my house with glue and glitter. I tried to go back to bed but an hour later I heard a wheelbarrow creaking along my sidewalk. I returned to the window to find him planting FLOWERS all over my yard.

No doubt this was because of my recent unorthodox Warcraft III victory. I threw open the window, wincing at the noise. “Is THIS the worst you stupid elves can do to me!?”

The skinny man looked up at me, than looked down at his flowers. He seemed kinda crestfallen. One ear was slightly askew. “Yes,” he finally admitted, hanging his head in shame.