[The sound of a great Gong reverberates through the still air]

Hello. I wish to speak today on behalf of all of us who have chosen to walk the way. You see, I have mastered the Martial Arts after a lifetime of rigid discipline and an untold number of wire-fights.

And, just as the NFL has decided to crack down on unrealistic videogame portrayals, so too do I ask that the Martial Arts community come forward and ask that videogame publishers de-emphasize the violent content of fighting games. They should focus instead on the camaraderie, concentration, and discipline.

Martial arts isn’t just about drinking plum wine, staggering around, and kicking someone in the kneecaps until their leg bends backwards in a gag-inducing display of human frailty and pain. It’s also about breathing. And concentration. Rarely does one concern oneself with “Fatalities,” as seen in Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance. The Martial Arts are getting a bad name! And they spelled “Combat” wrong!

It is not about Button Mashing. Well, not ALL the time.

No, children. Like the NFL, I’d like to encourage Game Developers to step back and make combat games that are more a simulation of the actual sport, and less a glorification of the unfortunate violence that sometimes erupts when you rush a person with a katana swinging to and fro as would the darting head of a stinging serpent. The removal of limbs and gushing of life-sustaining fluids into the unremorseful earth from whence they came is but one facet of a beautiful and ancient tradition.

If anyone would like to disagree, I will press a special combination of buttons that will allow me to rip off their head with their spine attached. Thank you.

[Once again the sound of a great Gong echoes through the air, sending a flock of cranes skyward amidst the fluttering of wings. When stillness returns, the old man is gone.]