Dearest readers: recently our rash of Morrowind Victims has inspired many of you to write in asking about the steep system requirements and 3D card compatibility issues with the game. To help, we've brought in a special guest to explain things in order that you can enjoy this brilliant RPG. Professor?

Thank you, thank you. I'll try to explain everything in layman's terms. In order to understand why Morrowind may have difficulty running on your video card without the proper drivers, we need to examine the hardware itself, as well as how it works.

You see, as any basic computer science student learns, your computer evaluates data by shooting electrons through little gates called "Transistors." We won't get into the details about how they work, but just imagine that each transistor is like a little "electric traffic cop" that tells electrons where to do. There are literally gabazillions of transistors inside your computer right now! Without them, electrons would spill out onto your floor and then "shock" you when you touched a doorknob. Or your "cat."

Now, some of the electrons are more colorful than others, and these special electrons are chosen to go to your monitor, where they are sorted by shade, pumped to your monitor, and told to stand in lines like little tiny choreographed people at a parade. There they make a picture of a castle or something. Of course, the longer it takes them to get to your monitor, the slower your game runs. That's why geniuses like me invented "3D Accelerators." These are special cards that you can put in your computer that have tiny greased gold busses and elastic bands that shoot electrons from one place to another, sometimes at speeds faster than a Jet Aeroplane!

But not all 3D accelerators are created equal. You really notice a difference with a game like Morrowind, because it's REALLY demanding on electrons. Morrowind is like that drill sargent from Full Metal Jacket standing over the electrons and screaming obscenities at them or calling them maggots. Sometimes Morrowind forces electrons that it doesn't like to drop and do 20. Needless to say, some electrons can't handle that kind of pressure. They're forced to drop out, like Navy Seal rejects or something, where they collapse onto the side of your computer panting. Let me tell you from first hand experience, Morrowind is a cold bitch. Like me ex wife. Harsh.

That's why you need to make sure you have the right drivers. "Drivers" are what drive the "Busses" in your computer, to get electrons where they need to go so that Morrowind doesn't pop a nut when they're not where they belong because they need to draw a picture of a dark elf or something. And you need to have the right accelerator card, because otherwise they'll get stuck in the transistors. Do you follow me? Aw geez, I've gotten too technical again haven't I?

But what can we do to get better game performance, Professor?

Well, keep your electrons strong and healthy by working them out on a regular basis. I suggest loading up 3D games like Quake and then swinging the mouse around wildly. 20 minutes a day for two weeks should do the trick!

What if, instead, we just waited until Morrowind came out on the Xbox -- then we could just plug it in and play flawlessly?

Sure, but what fun is that?.