You might be asking yourself why I’m hiding in this locker. It started this morning when I inadvertently distributed leaflets inviting my high school to the "2002 Senior Pr0n." Never before in the history of the high school endeavor have so many owed so many hard-ons to so small a typo.

Now that the Citizens for Decency committee is picketing the school and Ron Jeremy was just awarded an honorary diploma, things are about to erupt into full-scale rioting. The rest of the crew at the High School Literary Magazine have started calling me "Barely Legal" Ted.

Well, it's times like this that try the teenage soul. Moments like these are when I ask myself: What would The Rock do? I’m serious. Let's think about this. Would I bust out of this locker, throw two knives at once, and simultaneously kill two sword-wielding guys in turbans? Maybe I’d kidnap some half-naked sorceress. Would I step into the ring, arch an eyebrow, and trash talk the Undertaker?

Basically, what I’m saying is, if I were to cook something, what would it smell like?