Look -- look at this! It's ... sagging! At first I thought with glee that an alien was going to emerge from my stomach but it turns out that I'm just gaining weight. I haven't gained weight since I finished my 9th grade growth spurt. Now look at me. I can't even roll the chair toward my desk without a big ol' roll of fat clomming up the keyboard tray.

This is disgusting. I have to suck in my gut to play Tribes 2. Oh -- oh look, the screen is blurry. My eyes are going! I can't remember where I was going to plant this spike turret -- I think I'm going senile. Did my thumb just crack as I pressed the mouse button for my grenade launcher? Did it? I'm getting arthiritic! Turn the volume up, I think I'm losing my ears.

It's all growing dim. Look at my poor, poor reflexes. I bet I have colon cancer. Did someone just fling a mortar at me or am I getting a cataract? No loud noises please! My heart! My weak heart! Man, as soon as a guy hits 23 he just falls apart, you know what I'm saying?