No, you can not hump my leg.

Our booth location here in the main West Hall of E3, the largest gaming convention of its kind is hardly conductive to selling our educational software. Most software retailers can't even hear me give my presentation about Gruff the Learning Dog over the noise of the "Skin-tight World War II Lycra Assassins" booth across the aisle.

Also, a typo in the show program has convinced a lot of people that we are actually Techmo's Dead or Alive 3 booth. For the record, I am not an end level boss. Nor do I jiggle when I bounce, at least, not in a flattering, gravity-defying way. I'm Gruff the Learning Dog, and I like to teach numbers and phonics.

I do not know kung fu.

Frankly I'm beginning to find the whole atmosphere of the show here offensive. The booth next to ours, entitled "Get a press kit, touch a breast," strikes me as a little bit ridiculous. Mostly because the crowd is so big.

It all came to a head yesterday afternoon, of course. Some jerk in a bear suit from the Gaming GigaBuys stall came up to my booth, covered in monkey bites and reeking of alcohol. "HEY BABY!" he said in a gravelly voice. "Can I teach a new dog some old tricks? Hah har! How do you like it? Doggy style? Lemme guess: Rough! Rough!"

That was just a little bit too much for me. It was the end of a long hard day, and there was still one more day to go in the convention. So I howled, and I charged him, burying my head right in his fat gut. He flew backwards into a cardboard stand-up of Crash bandicoot, and then as he tried to get his bearings I levelled him with a powerful kick to the nether region. At this point, everyone from the neighboring booths stopped staring at breasts for a few moments to watch me obliterate this bear. I think I had him in a headlock for a while. If you've ever heard of a wrestling move called the "Frankensteiner," I did that to him, as well. I guess he just kinda set me off, you know?

Anyways, the sad result is that our booth traffic for the last day of the show is higher than ever. But Techmo had to issue a press release saying that I would not be appearing in Dead or Alive 3.