Look, mom, you need to get bigger trays, and you need to get a more powerful freezer with a continuous available ice-making capacity. Why? Because I'm getting SMOKED LIKE A RAINFOREST in Half-Life and I blame it all on my watered-down lukewarm caffinated beverages.

No way, see, here's how it works. I get home from school, I fire up GameSpy Arcade, and it starts refreshing servers. I have just enough time to RUN down here, dodge the dog, rip into the freezer, slam some Coke and ice into a glass, and get back upstairs before the servers are done refreshing and I've got to settle into the hard, hard decision of which one I'm going to own tonight.

When I connect to the server, I have about 10 seconds to enjoy a frosty sip of my cool, delightful soda treat -- cool to the touch and moist with fresh condensation. Then, I'm in the game. I'm in the zone, ma. I'm the charge of the Light Brigade, the guns of Navarone, the Merrimac, the Monitor, Teddy Roosevelt in Manilla.

I'm flying high, I'm at the top of the list, and then the map changes and my fragile world falls apart 'cuz I go to grab a refreshing sip of my fresh cool smooveness and all I get is a mouthfulla warm sugary brown water. MY LIFE SUCKS, and these cheap-ass trays are crampin' my style like a bad time of the month. You dig?