Let's review the facts, shall we?

When TechnoCo purchased the DSL connection for the office, it was understood that it would be installed on only one machine. Mine. The additional bandwidth was to be used to promptly deliver enormous mission-critical bi-weekly database updates to clients who were using our DockTracker software.

Two weeks ago I discovered an Unreal Tournament CD case sitting beside the machine. You vigorously denied that the CD was yours, even after I pointed out that you had neatly affixed your name to it via a label maker.

Flash forward to a week ago yesterday, when I came in promptly at 5:30 AM to discover the following debris scattered about our one and only broadband PC: two empty six packs of Moose Head lager, an empty carton of Malborough Ultra Lights, a small pipe as yet unidentified, and the "w" key smashed beyond recognition. Taped to the monitor was a list of ICQ numbers titled "Clan Mates." The evidence would be but circumstantial had the speaker phone not been dragged over from your desk. I tripped on the cord.

Since then you swore up and down that you were not using company PC hardware or Internet connections for recreational use. In particular I warned you that last night's December database update was crucial for all of our clients and must not be interrupted.

You've taken great care to cover your tracks, Crenshaw, but several facts remain. One: in my email this morning, I see that I've been banned from over 16 chat forums for offensive language. Two: Over 36 dockyards using our software did not receive the December database update, resulting in two separate oil tanker spills and an unfortunate incident where a Russian icebreaker tore through over 72 houseboats killing over 14 women and children. Their databases had been corrupted by what appear to be Instagib scores.

But most distressingly, THREE: My favorite mouse is now covered in potato chip grease. It's disgusting and the wheel is all gunked up. That's just gross, Crenshaw. I mean really. Ew.