It's not just that it's cool. It's downright sexy to go barefoot to a party with hairy feet. Chicks are like, "Whoa," and you can be like, "It's real, baby. Go ahead. Give it a tug."

No, I disagree. Hair grows naturally on the top of the foot. What, YOU want to give it a tug? Go ahead!

The thing is, you have to nurture it. First, you shave your feet a few times. It's like a beard, you know? It comes in a little thicker every time you shave it all off.

Once you've got a nice patch of foot hair, you'll want to make the most of it. It's not going to come in thick, not at first. That's why I get down with the mascara. It's made for a woman but strong enough for a man. And that lash-lengthening stuff. I like to get rich, luxurious fur.

Speaking of which, I only use herbal shampoos and conditioner on my feet. A lot of ladies are gonna be stroking those things, so you need to make sure they're soft and full of body.

I admit, I use product. But furry feet are the measure of a man, and I take my dogs seriously.