As chairman of the Baltimore, Ohio, & Feldman line -- named after yours truly, Samuel Q. Feldman Esq., who single-handedly bridged the Cumberland gap and threw open the gates to the West for a young nation -- I have the power to reshape entire industries with my signature alone. I am a Railroad Tycoon 3 machine, Sonny Jim!

And what have YOU been doing, worthless blue-collar gamer? What's that? Maximillian Payne? NO! I'm not familiar with him! He doesn't have an "Esquire" after his name, does he? How much is his net worth? What's his stock portfolio like? He's not even a Vice President? Pithy!

So you're saying you just machine-gunned down a room full of thugs armed with AK-47s in slow motion? Har-umph! You say you took down five armed terrorists amidst a withering salvo of gunfire with nothing but a single pistol and a molotov cocktail, leaping from the second story of a building into a garbage dumpster with a billowing fireball at your back? THAT'S NOTHING, COMMONER!

You want to talk danger? I nearly had investors pull out from my Pittsburgh-Altoona rail line. That, my friend, was walking the razor's edge. Risky? You think your little World War II game with that stroll-on-the-beach level is risky, just because you're stuck in a foxhole while men all around you are turned into shapeless masses of bone and pulpy ligaments by the German 88s? I'll tell you about risky. I JUST BOUGHT STOCK ON MARGIN. Didn't even flinch, either.

If you'll excuse me, I've got to re-wax my moustache. And then threaten the Kaiser with a caning.