Okay Kevin, hear me out. One of us is wearing Darth Maul boxer shorts: me. One of us has a bare-midriff poster of Natalie Portman from the arena scene in his locker: me. One of us eats his dinner from a plastic Jango Fett collectable plate: ME! And yet, despite this, only one of us is in the Star Wars Galaxies closed beta test: You.

Wait! Wait! Stop! Don't try to deny it! I saw the envelope and the welcome letter sitting out in your room. Well, they were under some other papers. In your desk. Once I picked the lock. BUT I SAW THEM! And then you sheepishly said something like, "Those may LOOK like the Galaxies closed beta CDs, but because I'm under a strict Non-Disclosure Agreement, I can assure you that they are NOT." And then you slammed the drawer on my fingers.

So let's cut to the chase. You've been in the beta for how long? Two weeks? More? And you can't even tell me if the Jawas look cool? C'mon man. I JUST WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE JAWAS. And ... the Wookies. And all of the skills. And how the Jedi thing works. But THAT'S IT. I'll sign an NDA. I love not disclosing things. In fact, I'm not disclosing things RIGHT NOW, such as the fact that I also own Jar Jar underwear. Wait! That doesn't count, that was just an example.

C'mon, man! We've been buds since 6th grade. You're not gonna let a little NDA stop us! Don't tell me "What happens on Tatooine stays on Tatooine." I'm not buying it!

You know, I read on the messageboards that most of the beta testers get a free pass to give to their friends to ALSO get into the beta. Being that you're under NDA, I'm sure you wouldn't have anything to say about that. But, you don't HAVE to say anything; just slip me the CDs under the lunch table here, and I'll keep everything on the "down low," you know what I mean? What?

Say that again? Your girlfriend? GIRLFRIEND!? You gave your extra account to your girlfriend instead of me? Who's picture is on HER underwear!? You bet your ass it's not Boba! Damn you! This has gone from troubled friendship to JUSTIFYABLE HOMICIDE!!