What is this? You guys call THIS a game trailer? Step aside and let me show you how to edit.

That's it? THAT's what you're planning to release on the Internet to show off our upcoming game? Oh no, no no no. No. Step aside, boys. I've been editing Promotional Game Trailers for over ten years, and before that I did rock videos. Let's take a closer look, here.

Okay, look at that! What's that you've got there? That looks like five whole seconds of uninterrupted game footage. Right, why don't we just burn them a CD and give them the whole product?

No no, I want short tiny clips of incomprehensible game footage cordoned off with long sequences of giant white text on a black background in a cool font. I'm not happy unless gamers are downloading hundreds of megabytes of frames of text whenever I edit movies.

Imagine this: A black screen. Cue the creepy music. Hold that -- maybe five, six seconds of black screen and creepy music. And then? WE HIT THEM WITH THE TEXT. Big text! Giant, white text. And the text says: "From the people who brought you Werehammer 60K: The Gloaming and Meatbag Cuss Shootout..." Hold that! Just play the music a little.

And then a new frame, and we say something like, "Comes a Game that will revolutionize the way you look at tactical action strategy RPGs." WHAM! The music gets LOUD! And the words, they should grow -- like, the text actually gets bigger as you watch -- that heightens the suspense.

And then we'll show them a frame of actual game footage, maybe the corner of that building there. Yeah, like just a pulse -- POP! -- and then it disappears again. People will be like, "Was that part of the game? Was that a cutscene? Was that supposed to be a building? I'm a gamer and I'm so intrigued!" And that's when we hit them with ... MORE TEXT.

People who download videos are dying to know the backstory, I mean, that's why they grab big files isn't it? So we hit 'em with our unique hook: "At the twilight of an era, Humanity's last hope rests with one band of mercenaries." Make sure the text is BIG, so that people will be like, "This is unlike any other game I've ever played!"

And then, the penultimate: We show them TWO frames of the game, but good frames. Like these here. And people will be like, "Whoa! What was that? Was that an eyeball? Was it a monster? Was it an exposed human nipple? I don't know! I'll have to preorder the game!"

Then, go to black. But fade back in, and show something exploding! And then we go to black, and it says "FALL 2004."

Then we wrap it up with the usual, you know, a minute of footage showing the publisher's logo, the developer's logo, the distributor's logo, the video compression technology we used, and an advertisement to buy the soundtrack. CUT! That's a wrap. Let's go to Starbucks -- who's buying?

Victim Pic Small

Be sure to show my logo too. It's a heart being stabbed by a missile with a car coming out of it. Hey, do you guys have logos? Sure, let's put ALL our logos on here.

Score: 8.18; Total Votes: 1445 as of 2009-12-09.

Listen up, people! As Ultima Online Griefers, a new golden age is now upon us.

This invasion is unlike any invasion I've ever slacked onto before.

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