Hello there, gaming community! As a big name, big wig, and just plain big game publisher, I love to talk to our fans -- you know, interface with them on a one to one level. To Kibbitz, if you will. Chat. Talk. Shoot the breeze. Beat them pulpy. Chew the fat. You know.

Did you hear about the new game we're publishing? Did you get the complimentary copy I chucked through your window attached to a brick? Sega Electronic GameReview gave it a 4.5 out of five stars. I've killed for less!

That's right, you have my personal guarantee. Either this new game totally kicks ass, or I will totally kick yours!

HolidayGameShopper.com gave this game a 94 out of 100. It deserved at least a 98 -- They're still finding their ex-editor's missing fingers scattered randomly about the office.

So go ahead, try it for yourself! If it isn't the most fantastic game you've ever bought, I'll personally come to your house and pound you until you spew juices like a lawn sprinkler. When they try to identify the body, they're not going to know which orifice was supposed to have contained your teeth.