Oh THANK you, Legend of Zelda! Before the newest Zelda game, my seething hatred for greenery had no outlet. My pent-up rage against small, leafy green shrubs and bushes simply festered, my lust for flora mutilation unrequited.

But look at me now! I’m a lean, green, lawn-mowing machine! I’m like John Deere with a sword. My prepubescent ages of torment are over -- now I’m a MAN. Even salad bars quake in fear before me.

The world is a better place now that small children are being trained to grab sharp objects, step outside their house, and destroy every sign of flora on God’s green earth, leaving nothing at their backs but stumps and dirt.

HALLELUJAH!!