For the upcoming conflict in the gulf, we’ll be sending our foremost experts in grenade-jumping.
Good morning, gentlemen. I remind you that this morning’s meeting is strictly classified for reasons of national security, so please adhere to the standard protocols.
Now then, I’ve been asked to demonstrate to you the effectiveness of our modern computer-trained fighting force. State-of-the-art digital simulations have turned America’s young men and women into an unparalleled twenty-first century fighting force. No other nation is as highly skilled in modern military techniques such as “Grenade Jumping,” essential skills in the battlefield of tomorrow.
What? Oh yes, I can see that there was some discomfort in the room at the mention of grenade jumping. It’s a modern art, gentlemen, and it’s revolutionizing this century’s warfare just as mechanized armor and air power revolutionized the last. You can rest assured that when the war starts overseas, our first and foremost wave of attack will be spearheaded by our crack team of expert grenade-jumpers.
Please, please, settle down. I have the floor. I can see some of you are not familiar with Grenade Jumping. It’s a precise art, one that was discovered after hours and hours of computer simulation. And drinking. See, the soldier pulls the pin of a grenade and tosses it to the ground in front of him or her. Then, with precision timing born of the desire to defend freedom around the globe, the soldier runs over the grenade and presses the jump button as soon as it goes off. The soldier is then flung, sometimes as high as two hundred yards into the air, well over and behind the enemy emplacements.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen! I assure you that this works in the simulators. We do it all the time to kill those camping or sniping bi-atches bunkered down in fortresses. Using tactics such as these, our team will be able to capture the enemy flags with ease. Or, capture ... well, whatever it is we’re capturing in that godforsaken desert.
[Daily Victim idea submitted by GameSpy reader Ohhdear.]
Now then, let's talk about Rocket-Jumping. Major, could you please hand me that RPG? Thank you. Now, After arming the grenade like so, I'll aim this rocket launcher at the ground -- please! Please, stay in your seats! You're throwing off my timing!
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