There’s a lot of talk about Battlefield among the online warmongers out there, but what about us Wolfensteiners? Wir haben eine kleine schmackdownen, over here. Teamplay Wolfenstein is like crack with a machine gun: deadly and addictive.

Especially for me. I’m one of the few, the proud, the weeping shattered remains of a soldier reduced to a pile of cartilage on the ground screaming for a MEEEDDDICC! That’s because I wield the ultimate weapon: The Venom Machine Gun.

Oh yes. They tell me that I’m a fool. They tell me that I eat up too much ammo, that I run too slow, that I take too long to fire. But they just can’t possibly understand the unmitigated thrill I get, that sex-like adrenaline rush that pours through me... for those few intense moments when the Venom gun is firing at full speed. Usually I enjoy these moments immediately before getting shot.

I have four buttons on my mouse, and with my custom-configuration I’ve arranged them (from left to right) like so: Fire, Call for Ammo, Call for Medic, and Whimper like a Schoolgirl.

Well, look at where I am right now, for instance. Across this bridge was the Axis stronghold, brimming with enemy soldiers like beans in a bag. There’s no subtlety in my line of work. I stepped out onto the wide-open shattered rubble-strewn surface of the bridge, Venom Canon hanging at my side. Then they came: over a half dozen helmeted soldiers, pouring from the bombed out remains of the old inn across the way. I held down the trigger, waiting for my gun to spin up as bullets rained down on me like steel confetti. And then the cannon began firing, spraying scunion like I was holding a firehose. The very walls around the Germans exploded into chunks of brick and plaster as I spewed fire onto their positions. They fell like sacks of flour. “AMMO!” I yelled as my gun spun down. Then I got hit by a bullet to the chest. And a rocket to the head. A sniper round to the knee. Maybe a grenade or two. “MMEEDDIICC!!”

The team’s medic stooped over me while six of our guys rushed the enemy position. I grabbed him by the collar. “Earn this!” I typed. “Earn it.”

[Victim idea submitted by GameSpy reader and Wolfenstein fan Jamie Fullerton. Now go check out PlanetWolfenstein.]