The biggest problem -- aside from the blinding neon lights -- is that I don’t speak Japanese. Well, allow me to qualify that. I speak a tiny bit of Japanese. I can say with flawless native accent any one of the six dozen Japanese taunt phrases used in the original Soul Calibur game.

My first day here I stumbled blindly through the airport. My heavy suitcase kept banging against my legs and I was starving. I got to what looked like a snack counter but there was this guy in front of me in line who couldn’t decide what he wanted. “Sohsoh ni tachisarei!” I shouted into his ear -- that’s how Edge Master says “Begone!” The guy reeled in fear and then took off. “Dare ni mo tomeraren wa!” I cried after him -- that’s how Cervantes says “No one can stop me.”

I ordered myself a snack by pointing to a cherry muffin and saying, “Blood! Darkness! Come onto me!”

Outside I tried to catch a bus by screaming, “This match is mine!” but I don’t think anyone understood. I turned to a Japanese schoolgirl next to me and said “Kiboh wa sutenai,” which is how Sophitia says “I won’t give up hope.” I guess it sounded kinda weird because I said it in a high-pitched girl’s voice. Ah well.

Finding a hotel was really problematic. I wandered the streets for a while, but didn’t know how to ask “Where is a hotel?” All I could say to people was, “The name’s Mitsurugi! Don’t forget it!” Finally I found a promising building. I went inside and tried to negotiate for a room rate at the front desk. Later on I found out it wasn’t a hotel at all, and that I was actually talking to a guy behind the counter at a post office.

“This rod will be your doom!” I told him, trying to hand him some money. “Uhm ... You want more punishment?” Then he started making a phone call, which I took as a positive sign. A couple of minutes later, a bunch of guys in dark uniforms and white helmets came in -- He’d called the cops!

“Do you think you can beat this old man?” I asked, dodging blows from their nightsticks. Eventually, though, they pinned me down and I was in handcuffs. “Justice will prevail ... just kidding!!” I hollered. As they struggled to put me into a van, they kept asking questions.

“Bangoo!” I answered. “I did it for you!”