I would really like to turn the volume down because the noise of Virtua Tennis is making it hard for me to concentrate on my TV Guide, but, the TV remote is under my friend's girlfriend's ass.

What ... what do you do in a situation like that?

I can't just ... reach down there and grab it. She's not my girlfriend. She'll think ... she'll think I'm trying to grab her butt. I wouldn't do that. I'm not a buttgrabber.

And I ... I can't ... oh God. I can't just say, "excuse me please could you hand me the remote? It's under your BUTT." I might as well say, "Gosh, girlfriend, your ASS IS HUGE."

I would also be surreptiously implying that ... that her butt is so enormous ... that she can't even feel the remote control that she's sitting on. And her butt isn't that big. In fact it's quite nice. But I can't go ... grabbing it ... just to get the remote.

I think I'm going to pretend like I have to go to the bathroom again.