No man, the problem is, the guy at the Returns desk is an ex insurance claims investigator.

It went like this, right? I walked up to the desk after waiting in line for an hour and a half. The man standing on the other side of the desk was balding and wore a starched white button-down oxford shirt. “I’d like to return this game,” I said, and he held up a finger and then withdrew a small pocket tape recorder. He clicked “record” and set it carefully on the desk between us.

“You’re here to return a game. Can I see your identification?” he asked. He read my name and Driver’s License number aloud for the tape recorder.

By this time I was sorta razzed, you know? “Yah, I uh, I already have Mario Sunshine, and I got this as a gift at a Christmas Party.”

“There’s no need to over-embellish your claim with personal details,” he said, in a monotone voice. “May I see the product and the receipt?”

He scowled at the box, describing it aloud for the tape recorder. “One copy of Super Mario Sunshine for the Nintendo GameCube. One gift receipt, folded in four places. Slightly torn. Dated-” he paused, turned the receipt over in his hands, then looked up at me and scowled. “Might I remind you of our thirty-day software return policy?”

I stammered. “Look, dude, I got it as a gift-”

“Speak into the recorder!” he barked.

“I uh, and, I don’t know when they bought it, I just know I didn’t get it until this weekend!”

He eyed me up and down, then looked again at the receipt. With a slender hand he reached over and hit the ‘pause’ button on his recorder. Then, suddenly, he leaned over the desk. “YOU DON’T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON!!” he boomed. “THIS WON’T HOLD UP! YOU HEAR ME!? You’re going down!”

Yeah, so, if I were you, I wouldn’t even THINK about bringing back that copy of Battlefield where the seal is cracked open. He’d probably call in the cops.

[Victim idea submitted by GameSpy reader Bill Tolin]

Victim Pic Small

That's why all of my Christmas Presents that I'm giving this year also come with a signed affidavit.

Score: 7.99; Total Votes: 1903 as of 2009-12-09.

Don’t go in there! Hans’s game of Medieval: Total War has spun into a harrowing Caligula-like descent into debauchery!

Okay, new plan. Our new MMORPG game will be coded entirely using the Macromedia Flash MX 30-day trial. So we have to work fast.

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