It Was as Though the Hand of God Reached Down and Blessed Me Tonight at Palace Park Amusements

This evening I had a Moment of Clarity.

I was spending my paycheck at Palace Park Amusements, you know, the place with the McDonalds and the little birthday room and the video games and the rugrats all over the place? They have that new Silent Scope arcade game, where you get to aim a fake sniper rifle and shoot people and pretend they're your second stepdad.

Anyways, next to that machine is this game called "The Claim Jumper," and it's one of those ones where you drop tokens in and try to get tickets. Like Skee-ball, except it won't get you laid.

Ordinarily I'd never waste my money on something like that, but as I was sniping people, I felt this warmth spreading through me, like warm pee in a snowsuit. I was drawn toward the flashing, twinking, Claim Jumper machine. I swear I heard harps playing. And I held my coin above the slot, and I heard this deep voice cut through the noise of the Dance Dance Revolution machine, and it said ... "Lawrence." Just like that, only deeper -- "Lawrence." It was the voice of God. It moved me, yet frightened me.

Especially since my name is Mike.

And when the voice said, "DROP THE DUCATS!" I let the coin rip, and it twirled down the slide, and it landed right in one of those little minecarts. The minecart was full of tokens. The game was playing music, but all I could hear was a choir. A bright light shone on my face! And bells were ringing, glorious bells, and the machine started peeling out tickets -- hundreds of tickets! You know how many I won? Fifteen hundred tickets!

By the grace of God!

Fifteen hundred tickets!!

Fifteen ... hundred ... tickets.

My life has been changed forever. I mean that. I touched the Creator today, I'm sure of it.

Only 48,000 more, and I can get a mousepad.

Victim Pic Small

Hey, check this -- I can get a whole home entertainment center with 5 disc DVD changer and Dolby surround sound for only 482,023,998,213,021,990,540,700 tickets!

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