Whenever I play Medieval: Total War, I try to exhibit the good medieval-era Christian piety and humility that gives you the right to kill other people. What I’m saying is, if the Pope says you gots to go, then you GOTS to go!

So I turn my attention at last to you, the Holy Roman Empire. You bible-printin’ sausage-eaters. Sure, you just waged a successful campaign against France, taking their most valuable, juicy, tempting, succulent lands, but the Pope excommunicated you for it. How am I supposed to react, playing as the English? I ask myself, what’s a good medieval Christian to do? I know: He’d kill. Dish out ye Olde Smack-Downe.

That’s why I’m declaring a CRUSADE against you, my excommunicated friend! I don’t do it for my own glory, nor do I do it for the rich, rich, wealthy, fertile lands I will take from you. I do it because I’m a holy man, a righteous man. And pious men such as myself have no choice but to remove from your possession those immensely profitable imminently exploitable regions. Not for myself! Oh no, the money I make after pillaging your lands and repopulating them with citizens loyal to me, no, that money’s not for ME. It’s for the Almighty. Sweeping across Europe and subjugating its people under my rule is simply the burden I bear.

Amen.

Okay boys, let’s kill.