I’ve devised the perfect controller with which to play first-person shooters on a console

I call it, “Sonny Jackson’s Patent-Pending Fragopheliac.”

You see, the trouble with playing first-person shooters on consoles isn’t about graphics. No sir, those Xbox games look FIIINE. Nope, the problem is trying to aim, strafe, run, and shoot simultaneously with a handheld controller. Oh, and you should be able to glance quickly behind you, too.

It’s easy with a mouse and keyboard, which respond instantly and take into account the velocity of your flicking wrist as you aim. But until now it was impossible on a console system -- that is, until the nine months research and development I put into the Fragopheliac (Patent-Pending.) I’ve combined the power of a trackball, mousewheel, six-button firing array, triple-analog stick precision controller with a seven button joystick/throttle/racing wheel combo. Then I threw in a couple of dials and knobs you might use for special circumstances.

The 42-pound control array (it’s heavy due to the six servo-motor vibration feedback modules and gyroscopic balancing sequencizer [Patent-Pending]) requires a custom-made harness and backbrace to hold up properly, and for legal reasons I’m requiring gamers to sign liability waivers before using them in actual gameplay. I’ve offloaded some of the weight by using a separate AC power supply. Watch your step there -- the cord connecting it to the console is over an inch in diameter and sizzles flesh to the touch.

Did you sign the paperwork? Okay, now you try it! Use the trackball here to aim your crosshairs while circling around with the knob here -- just don’t push the -- You pushed it, didn’t you? Well, nothing will stop the smoke now. Sure, it’s got a few bugs to work out, but until then, pull the emergency release cord and join me in the bunker for some canned food.

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Well, sure, I suppose technically you COULD hook up a mouse and keyboard to the console, but then it wouldn't feel like a CONSOLE, now, would it? Hand me the condensed soup.

Score: 7.65; Total Votes: 2134 as of 2009-12-09.

The Daily Victim Thanksgiving Special 2002

This new PC game is just a blank CD with instructions on the label for how to get the patch.

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