What’s this, Brainard? You’ve done it again. This time, not only have your run our Battlefield: 1942 aircraft carrier AGROUND, you’ve done so in such a way that the deck is sloped toward the mainland at a nearly 30 degree angle.

Anyone foolish enough to actually get in one of our planes immediately slides off into the ocean before they can gain enough speed to get airborne. Not that planes last long anyway. Because the deck is sloped TOWARDS the land, the enemy can simply shoot the planes with their shore cannons as soon as they spawn.

Moreover, for the first time in the history of naval warfare, it’s now possible to be killed by a tank while standing on the deck.

For the record, Naval flogging aboard US vessels was officially banned by act of the 1851 naval appropriations bill. And you, Brainard, are the sad result. But I’m not going to let some musty piece of parchment dating from before the Civil War stand in the way of victory in the Pacific. So put down your mouse, bite down on this piece of bamboo, and hand me the cat-o’-nine tails.