Hot Damn! the Ladies' Room Is Open Season!
Oh, yes! Did you all get the staff email about the downstairs ladies' room? That's right, they're turning it into a men's room. Our policy of refusing to hire any talented female game design professionals has finally paid off! New doors have been opened up for us, gentlemen!
Now, I know that in general the men's rooms here at our humble business have been broken and abused. This is because on the whole women see restrooms as intimate places for very personal business and private social interaction, whereas men see restrooms as a place to pee all over.
Now that we have a new pristine restroom to use, I hope that we'll learn to treat it with respect. Please use only one foot when kicking open the door.
Here are some other things to try:
- Barge into the room and yell, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE!?" This freaks out your fellow male employees, who are strangely uncomfortable in there. Watch the tinkle fly!
- Try lifting the seat. It's like that thing is glued down. It's almost as if the women around here had no reason to lift up the seat before! I fixed it though -- I took that sucker and rammed it up and down until I heard the snap of breaking plastic. This place is finally starting to feel like home!
- Make sure that you don't get the floor dirty. The way to do this is by spreading a protective coating of mangled toilet paper all over the frickin' place, including strands of it that actually go into the toilet and down the drain, possibly through miles of pipe without breaking. I don't know how that's done, but I've seen it happen, and I'm willing to learn.
- There are no urinals in there! I caught on after the second or third try.
- Next to the toilet is this strange metal box capable of storing plutonium. I can only guess that it is here the sacred Feminine Hygiene Products(tm) were once stored. But now that this is boystown, you'll note that it's actually the perfect height to spit your sunflower seeds or wads of chew into as you do your business. HUZZAH! Don't worry if you miss. Oh, that metal lid was in the way, so I tore it off and threw it casually across the room. Don't mistake it for a urinal, please, unless you really gotta go.
- Those funny dispenser things beside the sink? I discovered that those are for SOAP! You can actually put it out onto your hands and wash them. I can't remember the last time the men's room has soap in these, so LIVE IT UP SIZZLECHEST! I squirted soap everywhere, thus ensuring that our bathroom stays clean. Also, the countertop around the sink was dry, which was easy enough to fix.
- I bet these toilets have never been plugged. C'mon boys, show 'em what you're made of!! Real men push those things beyond capacity and then run away squealing as though they've never seen ca-ca or used a plunger before, haven't we learned that yet?
- Sometimes people's hands drip on the way from the sink to the towel dispenser. A thorough coating of paper towels on the floor around the trash receptacle helps. Speaking of the trash receptacle, it was empty, which is a dangerous safety hazard -- I filled it full of hundreds of almost unused paper towels so that nobody will accidently fall in. In the process, I emptied the towel dispenser, and didn't bother to bring in more. HOME SWEET HOME!!
Be sure to treat our new restroom right, and the ladies will never want it back. Bonus!
How did they manage to keep this potted plant so green in here? The one in the men's room looks like a wet paper bag after a run-in with the lawnmower. At least it looked that way before we covered it in toilet paper.
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