What is up, my bi-atches? Look, look at THIS! To the untrained eye it’s a standard MS Natural Keyboard Pro, but that’s until you realize that I’ve created a 600K script binding every key to complicated Counter-Strike aliases. I will singlehandedly DOMINATE this LAN party! Witness my perfection!

First, I hit my “communicate” key, which rebinds all my number keys, then I hit the “1” key to indicate that I want to say a team message, which remaps every key on my keyboard so that each has a unique message. “Terrorist pigs bombing warehouse train!” I yell, merely by pressing Shift-T. Like magic, all my keys are now back to my normal -- and immensely complex -- moving and firing config.

Not convinced? Watch as I hit a single button to buy my favorite weapons combinations while simultaneously announcing my purchases to all my teammates. Now, since I’m in the narrow hallway, I’ll press the ALT-G key to execute the following moves: switch to grenade, rush forward three steps, turn to the right 45 degrees, throw the grenade while jumping backwards, then step to the right, pull out my machine gun, and go into a crouch. The game practically plays itself!

Ah, this guy is sneaking up on me. Well, I have a key bound for just such an occasion. See, I merely press “X” -- or was it CTRL-X? Oh no, now I’ve just turned around 180 and threw a smoke-bomb in a teammate’s face yelling “suck it bitches!” That’s not right. Shift-C 1 Shift-A to apologize ... oops, wait, I think I entered into my “grenade spamming” alias by mistake. Wait, now I’m zoomed in and calling out “Everyone to the rooftop,” I didn’t mean that. Hang on, I think I can save this situation by pressing “P.” Wait, no, that wasn’t what I wanted -- I’ve just knifed myself and spraypainted a picture of Dick Cheney on the wall.

Okay, so what. Half my team is dead and the rest are hopelessly confused amid a cloud of smoke -- small setback. With my immaculate keybindings I can single-handedly wipe out the enemy team. In fact, look at this moron, crawling right into my crosshairs!

.... now, which of these buttons fires my gun?

[Victim idea submitted by GameSpy reader Ben Jacobs. His submission was accompanied by a paragraph of legal text indicating that GameSpy had publication rights to his idea provided he was given due credit. Don’t you all wish you could have lawyers like Ben, Ben Jacobs? Yes, yes you do.]