You fools, you’ve fallen into my clever trap! Sure, The Sims Online claims to be an open community of lollygagging do-gooders accepting to one and all, but THAT was BEFORE the terrifying Machiavellian exploits of yours truly, one Phineas P. Tuttlemyer ESQUIRE!

While you’ve all been milling about wasting your time “socializing,” I’ve already unleashed my scheme to corner the lucrative Lawn Gnome market. It began with my own two highly skilled hands chiseling forth a single grinning Lawn Gnome, his dark soul visible beneath his smiling countenance only should you stare into his harrowing dark eyes, like two bottomless portals into an abyss of lonely pain and suffering.

I sold him at two Simoleans under the cost of a normal Lawn Gnome. The loss was but a wee bump on the unholy road to success. For soon -- one lawn gnome at a time -- I had established a precedent of quality workmanship at lower cost. I was soon able to hire more workers to slave away Chiseling Lawn Gnomes while I manufactured a unique multimedia lifestyle-branding campaign featuring abstract photos of Gnomes in trendy clothes with the catchy and ultimately meaningless new slogan “Gnome On,” now available on designer shirts worn by professional athletes. Soon I had hundreds of gnomes available at my disposal and I all but dumped them on Gnome-needy marketplaces at far below cost, buying up competitors and their operations as they began to falter under my virtual Gnomealanche of goods.

Once my Gnome name was ubiquitous and quality no longer mattered, I unveiled new lines of designer Gnomes priced at ten times their value, coveted by people because of the brand image. I’ve also unleashed a subscription Gnome plan, a pay-per-gnome plan, and I’ve introduced new Gnome-making materials that decay after only a few months use. Profits are high, wee man, and sales are quadrupling with each quarter, while the competition is powerless within my Lawn Gnome grasp! MWA-HAAH! HAH!

Whew, all this taunting, mockery, and gloating has lowered my bladder meter to unacceptable levels. Pardon me while I make my little man pee.