Everyone is always giving me a hard time about my fourteen-incher. I show up at LAN parties, and even my closest friends can hardly stop sniggering as I plug it in.

You know, I try to tell people, it's not size that counts -- it's what you do with it. But they don't listen. "You know, lots of places have small screens," I said once. "ATM machines have only five-inch screens, but nobody ever complains." They all sniffed at me. "When you gots the money, size doesn't matter," they say. Anytime the girls show up and wanna play, my fourteen inch display looks pretty weak -- they just can't resist getting a face fulla 19 inches or more.

The jokes just don't stop. For instance, the standing house rule at Vito's place is "Conserve space." During setup they're always telling everyone to pack close together so that everyone's monitor can fit -- "Except you Jerry," Vito says. "You can spread yourself out, plenty of room there!" The other guys always want to sit next to me since there's room for their soda next to my screen.

Well I'm tired of 14-inch jokes at my expense! I'm going to get one of those huge Plasma screens -- they're only a couple inches deep, but 42 inches wide, baby. They attach to the wall. People will walk into the LAN party, and they'll see me and maybe a couple of friends mounting that beast. Seriously. Once they get a load of my 42 inches hanging there, it's over. It's over.