What’s that, sonny? Oh, you’re Mr. Big Man with your Internet. You downloaded a copy of the second Lord of the Rings movie, did ya? Identical to what they’re going to release in films, minus some of the special effects, two inches wide, and blocky as an Atari game, but otherwise perfect, hunh?

[Pauses to spit]

Well, that’s somethun’. I’ll tell you, that’s somethun’. Now you’ll know how it ends. I hear it’s got orcs innit. ‘That true? Orcs, hunh? Whoda thunk it.

But get this. You might be clever and all, but I know this guy -- who knows a guy -- and he’s one-upped ya. Yep. He’s got himself a Book of the third movie, Return of the King. Where did he get it? Well, I dunno, son. Maybe some super-secret IRC room. You should ask around online. See if anyone’s heard of this “book.”

Oh hell no, I ain’t lying. I seen it with my own eyes. Yeah, I even know how it all ends. There’s a King, see? And ... he returns. But I guess that’s a spoiler. Okay, you run along now. Run online and see if your pasty pansy-assed “h4ckers” and “l33twarez0rz” can score you a copy of that.

Jackass.