Hello sir, good afternoon! Yes, thanks for taking me on under such short notice. And your name is? Eric Dexter of Dexter Events Consultants? Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you! I didn’t realize I’d be speaking to the founder. Did I mention I liked your foyer? With the marble and the ferns? I like ferns. Oh, I’m sorry, yes I’ll get on with it. Can I sit down?

Right, so, Mr. Dexter, I’m planning a private event for about 50 people. No no, not a wedding or anything -- no, not a company party. Not a Bar Mitzvah -- well, it could SORTA be like a Bar Mitzvah, I guess. Would we be allowed to carry people around on a chair?

Anyways, basically our event is what you would call a “LAN Party.” Yes, “L-A-N.” We’ll need to build a large computer network -- oh don’t worry, we’ll build the network. All we need from you is a location to host the party. I’m thinking of a place with a large open area and plenty of power outlets, something rich with st0nkitude. St0nkitude. S-T-Zero-N-K. Right. St0nkage is a cornerstone of our LAN Party strategy.

We’ll also have to do away with noise restrictions. No, see, I know this guy who has a sound rig that makes my eyes water. I’m serious, MY ... EYES ... WATER. You bet your sweet ass we’re bringing that in. Oh, sorry, did I just say ass? Don’t write that down. Write down: “Loud and violent.” Make a note that the beat of the techno music will shatter brittle glass, that’s important.

We’ll also need a small kitchen and big refrigerators capable of holding grotesque amounts of soda and beer. We like to have Bawls pouring out of every orifice by the time Sunday morning rolls around. Oh, did I not mention we’re going all night? We get pretty serious about this stuff.

Right, kitchen, sound system -- hey, do you have anyplace with a big plasma TV? We need a corner to bust out the Super Smash Bros Melee, you know, when you get tired of the Battlefield 1942 and Unreal Tournament.

I’ll tell you what, why don’t I just look at this big book here of available locations and tell you what’s in and what’s out? No, no give me -- GIMMIE! GIMMIE THE BOOK! MINE! Okay, this here outdoor chapel is a bad idea, might rain on our CPUs. This indoor atrium -- good -- can we use those bamboo trees to string up the network cable? No, you say? What about this cruise ship here? Holy CRAP that’s got an ONBOARD CASINO. Can we rent the whole boat? Just rock that thing like the Titanic? No? No boat rocking?

Okay, how about this four-star restaurant here ... do they make tacos? Can they just keep ‘em comin’? Like -- ohmigod -- You could have chicks and dudes with trays just walking around and you could be like, “TACO! HERE!” and there would just be tacos ON DEMAND. Look at these pics! We could have the speakers up here with the mad tunez, and just bring on the rippage over here for the awards ceremony after the tournament. Can your chef still make tacos if we’re shining flashing red and blue strobe lights in his face?

Well, I see you’ve closed up your palm pilot. Does that mean we’re on? You know, if you bring a PC, you can come, too.