The Creator stitched my body together from the corpses of over 13 separate Resident Evil victims. Although sound in limb, I lacked one thing: A human brain.

Unfortunately good human brains are nearly impossible to come by. Of the several dozen the Creator tried, nearly 20 had "Who Let the Dogs Out?" running through their head upon installation. At least five others thought "Biosphere" was one of their all-time favorite movies.

Finally, the Creator opted to use a Playstation 2 for a head. This has brought me a life of misery. Everything is jaggy, including my scars.

The PS2 launch titles are extremely poor. As you can guess, I am not into sports games, because I am unable to bend at the knees. Nevertheless I tried to play SSX, the snowboarding game -- they put me on top of a mountain, and I toppled over like a brick and slid facefirst down two vertical miles of ice and snow. When I reached the bottom I was chased into a castle and burned.

Disheartened, I tried to play Dead or Alive 2. However, I'm not sure which one I am. My Playstation head is as much a curse to me as the gift of life itself.

Also, fire bad.