After being ordained over the Internet, I feel qualified to conduct an online wedding

After getting ordained by some Internet guys I've started to turn over a new leaf. Previously, my online experience has been pretty self-centered. I'd kill things, I'd grab lewt, I'd camp monsters ... me, me, me. But I'm getting up there in the years. I realized that if I wanted to really make a meaningful contribution to the Internet gaming scene, I needed to get started.

So I've taken up marrying people online. You know. CREATING, not destroying. ENRICHING, not poaching. MATRIMONYING, not camping. It's not a thankless job, but it's a lot of hard work. Real-life ministers rarely have to worry about trying to marry a lesbian couple only to discover moments before the ceremony that both women are in fact horny young boys. Well. Unless it's a minister from Vegas.

One thing I like for people to keep in mind is that vows for an online wedding should be appropriate for the venue. That is to say, "In sickness and in health" really doesn't make sense since most people spend more time online when they're sick anyways. I prefer "In smooth times and lag." Also, death sure does do people part often in an online game -- sometimes several times a day. So instead, I like to wrap up the vows with "Until I'm sick of paying ten bucks a month for this laggy unbalanced camp-fest, but in the meantime I'll help you recover your corpse even if I'm supposed to be into work tomorrow morning."

I was nervous for my first online wedding, then eventually I settled in and had it down to a well-rehearsed routine. I'd help the bride and groom get all their guests together to have a fun party afterwards. Pretty soon I was kinda casual about the whole thing. I'd get liquored up and just broadcast to the whole server, "Who wannntz to get Hitchz0red?" I'd marry people on the spot. Sometimes I'd marry threesomes and give them the key to a big room in the inn. I'd marry passers-by.

I married one guy to his horse.

This marrying stuff is pretty cool. My church -- so far as I can tell from the email they sent me when I filled out the form on their webpage -- has nothing against polygamy, so right now I'm busy marrying a continuous chain of 74 young men and women. In fact, here's a pretty little lady right now. Just hold your hands to the screen and say, "I do." I pronounce you man and wife, or woman and wife depending on what you got in your pants. Doesn't matter to me. You two head into a private chat and go consummate somethun', okay? Don't forget: I take tips!

Victim Pic Small

You call that a tip? Fine, your excommunicated. Further more, I now pronounce you and this orc man and wife. Killing her for XP would damage your immortal soul!

Score: 7.53; Total Votes: 1547 as of 2009-12-09.

Listen, mister! This here adventuring party doesn't stoop to "Chaotic" Evil, and we're not about to start.

I feel for the peons

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