Yeah, you heard the news, right? Nintendo picked out their Street Team, dudes who get to walk around malls with videogames strapped to their chests in order to talk to people about Nintendo games. AND I WASN'T ON THE TEAM!

That's right, me, rejected. I swear I had that in the bag. You had to send them an audition tape, and mine was KILLER. Of course I edited it together on an iMac spliced in with footage from Apocalypse Now and music from Twisted Sister. I shoulda been a shoe-in. You hear me? Shoes in! Both of 'em!

Where did it all go wrong? That tape was brilliant. I spent ten minutes setting up the camera angles and lighting. Maybe I shouldn't have worn the goggles. Or done the whole thing in sepia tones. But I had a KILLER speech prepared! I talked about how I've been playing games for over a decade, how I solved the original NES Bionic Commando in one marathon sitting over the course of a weekend pausing only to eat Rice Krispy treats or pee in a bottle. Maybe they were a little turned off when I did that interpretive Zelda dance, the one where I wore nothing but balloons. Did they understand that I blew up and tied those balloons myself? Or that they pinched?

You know what it was? I think it was when I deviated from the script and went into my Luigi tirade. I started talking about Mario Party and Mario Kart and then, without really planning to, I started to riff on how I saw it as my God-given right, nay, DUTY to drop kick Luigi in the nuts, just -- just really give him a SHOT to the BOYS, you know what I'm saying? The guy just has it comin', I'm not afraid to speak the word when the word is truth man, you know what I'm saying?

To summarize: No Street Team, both shoes in, Luigi's nuts. What am I missing? Am I missing something here? Maybe we need to make another tape. Get me my camera. And some jelly.