Look I don't wanna hear about it. I'm in the midst of a major pre-marital crisis here. My girlfriend kicks my ass at Super Smash Brothers Melee, and by "Kicks my ass" I mean to say that she destroys me on every level: physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially. Every time I think I've got things under control she's whacking me out of the ring with a home run bat. Yesterday I got back from class and she was already sitting on the floor playing, saying that she'd gotten thirty more trophies and unlocked the Jigglypuff.

Now, I'm not begrudging her the victory. Because it's pure skill. It's just that she demolishes me with the pink Princess Toadstool. She smears me across the map like jelly on toast. And you know how the Princess is -- after she wins, her little character dances on the screen and twirls her dress and goes, "Oooh, I won?" GAH! I'd be fine if she kicked my butt with Bowser the turtle or something, but this is like having the GameCube rip off my balls.

Oh, and I haven't even scratched the surface yet. It's not just my affronted manhood we're talking about. The other day we were all hanging out in my room and I was talking on the phone with Jake from Theta Chi. You know Jake, right? Of course you do. He's a monster. Plays with Donkey Kong. Looks like him, too. Somehow as we're talking and I was asking him if he wanted to party this weekend my girlfriend overhears that he plays Smash Brothers. "Wow, he does?" she says. "Tell him to throw down!"

"Throw down!?" I sputtered. Jake was on the other end of the like asking me, "Did she just tell me to throw down?" My girlfriend was smack-talking the biggest Smash Brothers master on campus. Jake is a crusher of men and destroyer of souls. "Honey, apologize to the man!" I said.

She grabbed the phone from me and yelled, "Bring it!" into the receiver. Bring it! You don't tell JAKE to BRING IT! You never know what he's gonna ... bring! So now not only do I have to endure a week of my girlfriend demanding that we practice (and spanking me as she does so), I gotta live with the knowledge that Jake is going to come down with the hurt on us both this weekend.

No, I'm not saying you should get involved. I'm just asking you, as a friend, to shoot him with this potent elephant tranquilizer dart as he comes into my building. Okay? Buddy? Buuud-dy?