Monitor radiation cured my cancer!
You heard me right. A while back I went to my doctor to get the results of the lab tests. WHOA. There was like a tumor the size of a potato in my noggin. Let me clarify that cancer is no laughing matter, especially when it's about to sprout eyes of its own. But, on the plus side, when your doctor tells you that you only have six months to live? It doesn't take long before you come to grips with your own mortality and determine that THE REST OF YOUR LIFE CAN BE LIKE ONE GIANT LAN PARTY!
So I quit my job, and then I made my list. "Games I will beat before I die." Renegade, all the Half-Life expansions, Dungeon Siege, Morrowind, Medal of Honor (Damn you, snipers!), you name it.
Months went by like a beautiful dream. It's kinda cool to plan your own funeral -- I requested that as they lowered my coffin, someone should play an MP3 of the noise Pac-Man makes when he gets hit by a ghost. Meanwhile, every evening I was glued to my PC monitor, hacking, slashing, shooting, or whatever it is I was supposed to be doing to win whatever game I was playing.
Sleep would creep over me, like it or not. A man in that position doesn't like sleep -- it robs you of precious hours. I would play games until I would crash: I'd lean forward, klunk my head against my monitor, and pass out. I'd feel the warmth of the glass against my forehead and hear the hum of electrons passing though the CRT and ultimately out the back of my skull. Weeks went by in this blissful game-induced nightly coma.
Of course, I went to the Doctor's the other week and they ran the scans again. Guess what? COMPLETE REMISSION! It was unreal! Videogaming had cured my cancer!
Well, either that or the chemo.
[Victim idea submitted by GameSpy reader Greg Gibas]
At first I was worried 'cuz I didn't have a job ... but then I started making appearances on the talk show circuit...
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