Listen up, fartwhiffers!

This morning the counter on the front of our webpage gave me an error message instead of correctly identifying how many players were accessing our massively multiplayer online roleplaying game.

According to our marketing department -- and keep in mind that those f'ers have degrees -- people coming to our website must always see how many people are logged on and playing the game. You know why? Because we are massive! and multiplayer! And Online! And a server error on our webpage communicates none of these!

As the new support head, i'mma gonna clean up this here department. That means we're gonna lay down a few laws.

First off, I want everyone in here at 9:00 AM. I have a punch clock installed. And don't attempt to stay and work late, because it turns off at 5:30 and if you aren't punched out by then, it'll send me a personal memo identifying you as a SLAPASS.

Secondly, every time our statistics server goes down, I'm going to take my letter opener and randomly slice off one of your ears. Don't ask me whose, it's gonna be one of those spur of the moment things. That's just how it's gonna be: Either we have 100% uptime on our statistics server, or I will be managing a department of facially mutillated freaks while wearing a necklace of withered human hearing appendages.

Get back to work!