OW! Will you look at me? Look at my wrist! Look! For years I've allowed it to atrophy, but I didn't think anything could finish it off until I tried to play Virtua Fighter 4 with the PS2 controller in such a way as to allow me to have a finger on all four buttons at once.

Just a few minutes ago I heard a snap and a hiss, like somebody cracking open a can of beer, and since then my entire wrist has gone limp. I'm gonna sue! I don't know who yet, but somebody will be sued, even if it has to be the guys down in hallway 3B who kept telling me I needed more practice. I'm gonna sue everybody who had a hand in the conception, distribution, marketing, and sales of the PlayStation 2, VF4, and even this college.

You know what I need? I need to get me one of those "kick 'em in the jimmies" lawyers. One of those guys who can just haul back with a boot and lay into some jewels. Not one of those "punch 'em in the gut" types, no, I need a guy who's gonna hone in on the boys and take 'em out. Someone who's not afraid of suing transnational companies or making blanket statements like "The Media caused this injury." That's right. Get me the yellow pages, or better yet, stick the phone up to my ear and open up the legal section to the letter "J" for "Jimmykicker."