Phil, I want to offer my condolences on your lack of Krispy Kreme doughtnuttage. When Jan the receptionist announced via company email that doughnuts were available at the front desk, you were too busy playing C&C Renegade multiplayer to notice. You rushed here moments too late, stunned by the sight of me grabbing the last of the delicious doughnuts, still so soft and warm.

Ordinarily at a time such as this I would rub your face in the agony of defeat, mercilessly taunting you because I got to the doughnut first. The last doughnut, the one that you can't have. I would say it serves you right for busting out the video games before five. I would, in fact, point at you -- right at your face -- and laugh in a high pitched squeal. HOWEVER, that being said, I am FULLY aware that Krispy Kreme doughnuts are delicious moist gooey treats that are to be treated with the utmost respect. I understand that it's personally painful to you to be able to smell the Kremey goodness but neither taste nor touch it. Given these charged emotional circumstances, I will in fact refrain from laughing at you, mouth full of sugary happiness, cheeks puffed out in blissful doughnutude.

I will, instead, cover my mouth and VERY QUIETLY savor this delicious, incredible, succulent pastry delight while making no noise whatsoever that would in any way make you feel at all bad because YOU DO NOT HAVE ONE. I may occasionally be forced to smack my mouth in succulent ecstasy as I lick the sugary glaze from my gratified lips, and I apologize in advance if any of those noises in any way make you feel like a poorer man after your horrible, horrible loss. I conscientiously choose not to rub it in. Mmnnn. Oh soft rich doughnut. MmmmNNNNnnnn.

AAyyyiiee! I take it by your sudden physical attack that our gentleman's agreement is no more! Very well, Phillip! Your flurry of punches and attempted tackle leave me no choice but to assume your feelings are hardened as to your contemptible loss of the last doughnut! HAA HAA Phil-no-doughnut-ip! I Krispy Kremeated your ass! Get off me! I got the doughnut and you got the hole! Ha ha- [muffled fighting]