I couldn’t really tell what I was ordering from that weird Korean mail-order catalog. I was pretty sure I’d written down the game Fatal Frame on the entry form. Instead, they took my money and sent me a prototype PS2 fishing controller as well as a handwritten 3x5 card that says, “For the order which the computer system is experienced you, we will be extensive and it loves the fact that we serve.” That’s pretty cool.

At first I was like, “What the hell am I gonna do with this?” But then, I hooked it up to Virtua Fighter 4. Lemme tell you, I gots MAD game! I went into the menus and set it up so that spinning the little reel makes me rush forward or back. You just flick this baby to the side to sidestep. All the punch and kick buttons are right under my thumb, like so. Oh! And the best part, you just flick this sucker up – like you’re yanking in a sea bass? – and you’ll deliver this wicked uppercut. WHAMS!

Ever since they deported Serguei and put Chad in the hospital, that makes me the best VF4 player on campus. I’m a hit at parties. I never have to buy my own beer. I was on the radio. MTV contacted me about auditioning for Real World. I appeared in magazine ads for Joe’s Bait and Tackle.

I was so happy, I sent a thank-you note to my friends in Korea. I did my best with the translation, but you know, they write with those funny shapes and all. Come to think of it, that might explain why U.S. Customs called me this morning and asked why I was importing crates full of panties.