Don’t be sad as you crumple lifelessly to the reddening earth. I’ve bestowed upon you a great honor. You were my one millionth player kill since I started playing this online roleplaying game! That’s right – I did it! One million kills, more than three quarters of which were in cold blood. In fact, you fall into one of my most common demographics: that of an unarmed character, probably just learning how to play. Well, now you’ve learned a little something about the roads between towns. W00t!

What makes this kill so special to me is not just the huge milestone – I’m not the first to have killed a million innocent strangers in this game, not by any stretch. No, what makes it special is the care I bestow upon my victims. I don’t merely kill. I like to make them feel bad on a personal level. “It’s not a real kill unless someone’s cryin’,” that’s what I tells ‘em. For instance, one of my favorite things to do is to comment on my victim’s inventory as I pilfer it. “Wow, it must’ve taken you a long time to get that premium plate mail breastplate, but it sure proved woefully inadequate against my improved chain lightning, didn’t it? I’ll engrave your name on it before I sell it. Ho ho ho!”

If I see someone’s ghost lingering around, I enrich my mockerment accordingly. “What’s that, dead guy? You’ll have to type louder, because you’re DEAD.” Oh, here was my favorite line out of all my million kills: “What did you say? I’m sorry, I never upped my spirit-talking ability, I was too busy improving my Fireball skill. You know, the skill that enabled me to kill you, AND your entire online wedding party.” That one was great, because, you know, I waited until the little priest avatar typed, “if there is anyone who objects to this union…” and then I yelled “yah bitchezz!” and cut loose with a murderous hail of horror.

But enough reminiscing, you were so easy to kill I hate to waste time typing on you when I could be powerleveling elsewhere. As a special token of this momentous occasion, I’m going to leave your +0 rusted neophyte blade on your corpse – fat lot of good one of those is, as you can see! I’m also going to transfer my collection of one million severed human ears to your inventory, making it impossible to loot your body without crashing the server. Latez!