Hello ladies and gentlemen, it's late in the day so I'd like to thank you all for sticking around to attend my presentation here at the 2002 Game Developers Conference. There's been a lot of talk at the convention so far about "tools" or "technology," but I'd like to hone in on what really makes the game development process click on all levels. I'm speaking, of course, of the 'doo.

I'll let you pass around a lock of my hair, recovered under dubious circumstances that I'll get to in a moment. Notice how soft and silky it feels. Note the texture -- sweet, isn't it? Some developers prefer frizz, others like the 'fro, but let's face it: hair is the source of our power. It needs to be permed, fluffed, and generally babied. An hour a day in hair care will probably save you hundreds of man hours debugging -- I know this from experience.

Look at my hair! It's creamy, like pudding. See the silky shine as the lights dance upon it, like fireflies upon the water? It cascades to my knees like a dark waterfall. Let me tell you. It's like wearing chocolate on your head.

With hair like this, it's impossible to make a bad game. But remember: this can also be a liability. Allow me to tell you a story. I was embroiled deep in the creation of my latest game, Brutal Empires III [pause for applause]. After a marathon debug session with the graphics guys we all headed out to the bar to cool off. It was about one AM. And there she was! Tight pink mini-tee, frayed jeans, big studded belt. This girl had "trouble" written all over her -- no, I mean, literally, it was tattooed on the small of her back. I was in love.

So one thing led to another. You know how the courtship ritual goes ... beers ... Monty Python and the Holy Grail ... swap paperbacks ... Argue about Dr. Who ... then the sex. So there I was, sleeping quietly, totally unsuspecting. Suddenly, SNIP! The horrifying metallic scrape of scissors closing around my luscious topside! Like a ninja I rolled to my feet and prepared to unleash the Foot of Fury (tm). And there she was! On her knees on the bed, scissors in hand, a lock of my beautiful hair fluttering about her like smoke from a gun.

Then I got a good look at her knee-length nightshirt, and I saw the Eidos logo across her right breast. I should've known! Those dirty bastards had sent a saboteur. And to think I had loaned her my copy of Return of the King! If you ever find yourself in this situation, folks, I recommend snapping her bra. She won't see it comin', and word on the street says it stings like a mofo.

Thanks to the loss of that lock, we fell weeks behind in development of our multiplayer code. But the damage was minimal... nothing that my stylist couldn't fix. I can see I'm almost out of time. I hope this was informative ... now, who has that lock of hair that we were passing around? Anyone? Oh ... come on guys, own up. Who's got my hair? Son of a bitch ... I'm gonna have to start braining people with this microphone stand...